I found a number of musician jokes from various sources an compile them into a long list…
How do you get two guitarists to play in perfect unison?
Shoot one of them
What’s the difference between a fiddle and a violin ?
Who cares – neither one’s a guitar
How do you know when the stage is level ?
The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth ..
Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune ?
Neither did I
Why are so many lead singer jokes one liners ?
So the rest of the band can understand them
What do you call a guitarist who breaks up with his girlfriend ?
Homeless ..
How do you get a bass guitar player off of your front porch ?
Pay for the pizza.
How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughn tune ?
Evidently all of them.
What do you do if your bassist is drowning?
Throw him his amp.
Saint Peter is checking in new arrivals in heaven….~
“What did you do on Earth?”
“I was a surgeon. I helped the lame to walk.”
“Well, go right on in through the Pearly Gates”“What did you do on Earth?”
“I was a school teacher. I taught the blind to see.”
“Fine .. go right on in through the Pearly Gates!”“What did you do on Earth?”
“I was a musician. I helped make sad people happy.”
“You can load in through the kitchen.”
What’s the difference between a tambourine and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up an tambourine.
What’s the difference between a tambourine and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
“Mommy! Mommy! When I grow up, I want to be a guitar player!”
“Now Johnny, you can’t do both!”
An acoustic guitarist and an bongo player are playing a New Years’s eve gig at a local club.. The place is packed and everybody is absolutely loving the music .. shortly after midnight, the club owner comes up to the duo and says, “You guys sound great .. everybody loves you .. I’d like to know if the two of you are free to come back here next New Year’s eve to play ?? …
The two musicians look at each other then to the club owner .. and the bongo player says “Sure .. we’d love to .. Is it OK if we leave our stuff here ??”
Why do drummers leave their drumsticks on their dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped zones.
What is “perfect pitch?”
When you lob a tambourine into a toilet without hitting the rim.
What do you call a bass guitarist with half a brain?
Gifted.
What’s the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
You can tune a lawn mower, and the neighbors are upset if you borrow a
lawn mower and don’t return it.
If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an
in-tune tenor sax player, an out of tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
The out of tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate you are hallucinating.
How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
Add vibrato.
How many lead guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb, and the other four to tell him how much
better they could’ve done it.
What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common ?
Both suck when you plug them in
How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb ?
None…they just steal somebody else’s light
What do you say to a guitar player in a 3-piece suit ?
“Will the defendant please rise …”
Two guys were walking down the street …one was destitute …
the other was a guitar player as well ..
How is an orgasm like a drum solo?
You can tell it’s coming but there’s no way to stop it.
What do call a successful musician?
A guy whose wife/girlfriend has 2 jobs.
How do you improve the aerodynamics of a bass guitarist’s car?
Take the Domino’s Pizza sign off the roof.
What’s the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead lead singer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the snake.
What’s the range of a typical bass guitar?
About twenty yards, if you have a good throwing arm.
What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.
What does a guitarist say when he gets to work?
“Would you like fries with that, sir?”
What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
Drool.
How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They have machines to do that now.
“Hey buddy, how late does the band play?”
“Oh, about a half a beat behind the drummer.”
How can you tell when a drummer is at your door?
The knocking speeds up.
A mindreader is at a nightclub one night and decides to give a small demonstration of her abilities.
First, she reads the mind of the lead guitarist: “Wow, look at all the cute chicks who showed up tonight! Good crowd!”
Then the drummer: “Lots of people showed up tonight…Great! we’re going to make good money tonight”
Then the Keyboard player: “All three of these guys have no appreciation of my talent…What a bunch of losers”
Finally, the Bass player: “C…G…C…G…”
Two drummers and a guitarist decide to form a band. The three of them start playing, and the sound is just awful. One drummer turns to the other and says, “We sound terrible. I don’t think this is going to work. Let’s get rid of the guitarist.”
How do you get a rhythm guitarist to play softer?
Give him music to read.
What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on ?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
Whats the best thing to play on a stand up bass?
Solitaire.
How does a lead guitarist change a lightbulb ?
He holds it up and the world revolves around him.
In the 21st century..how many guitarists will it take to replace a light source ??
Five..one to actually do it …and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.
Why are a speed guitarists fingers like lightning?
They rarely strike the same spot twice.
How can you tell if an electric guitar is out of tune?
There’s sound coming out of the amplifier.
What do bass players use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What’s the difference between a modern DJ and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Why are electric guitars smaller than acoustics?
They really are the same size, but the electric guitarists’ heads are bigger.
What’s the difference between a bass guitar and an electric guitar?
The bass burns longer.
What’s the difference between rhythm guitarists and terrorists?
Terrorists have sympathizers.
Why are bar band breaks limited to 20 minutes?
So you don’t have to re-train the bass player.
Why did the bass player get mad at the drummer?
He turned a peg and wouldn’t tell him which one.
What’s the difference between a guitar player and a bag of garbage?
The garbage gets taken out at least once a week.
Why bury guitar players 6 feet under?
Because deep down they’re all very nice people..
Whats the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish??
You can tune a guitar but you can’t tuna fish ..
One bass player was so bad, even other bass players noticed.
How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
1)-None; the keyboard player can do that with his left hand.
2)-Don’t bother…just leave it out ..no one will notice
3)-One ..but the guitarist has to show him first
4)-One. Five. One. Five…
5)-Six..one to change it and the other five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light..
Six guys walk into a pub in pairs of two, sit down and order their favorite after-work drinks.
The first two guys were working at a major university whose I.Q.s were so high they could hardly be measured! They began discussing from Quantum Mechanics to the fine points of Particle Physics, either one as brilliantly as the other.
The second two were average I.Q.s, schmoozing about how hard it was today to keep up with bill payments, how high taxes were, how corrupt politicians were and all the day-to-day struggles most everyone has.
The last two were very badly educated, ill-mannered dolts with very low I.Q.s that could barely be measured on any I.Q. test. As soon as they’d ordered the bartender overheard one say to the other, “Oh, hey, I meant to ask ya, what band are you playing with now?”
How do you put a twinkle in a female lead singer’s eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
How can you tell when a female lead singer is at you door?
She can’t find the key, and doesn’t know when to come in.
How many altos does it take to change a lightbulb?
None; they can’t get up that high.
If you took all the lead singers in the world and laid them end to end…it would be a good idea.
Did you hear about the tenor who was so dumb the other tenors noticed?
What do you call ten lead singers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
What is the definition of a mezzo soprano?
Just an alto with a soprano’s attitude.
If you drop a lead singer and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first?
Who cares?
What’s the difference between a lead singer and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.
What’s the definition of an optimist?
A guitarist with a mortgage.
Why are bar band agent’s hearts so coveted for transplants?
They’ve had so little use.
A musician calls his agent’s office to talk to his band’s agent. “I’m
sorry, he’s dead,” comes the reply. The musician calls back 25 times,
always getting the same reply form the receptionist. At last she asks
him why he keeps calling. “I just like to hear you say it.”
Why do guitarists run around the stage while they play a solo?
To get away from the sound.
How many sound men does it take to change a lightbulb?
“One, two, three; one, two, three.”
What’s the definition of a gentleman?
One who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn’t.
What’s the definition of an optimist?
An accordion player with a pager.
How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would’ve done it.
What’s the difference between a lead singer and the PLO?
You can negotiate with the PLO.
What’s the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
A fiddle is fun to listen to.
Why should you never try to drive a roof nail with a tambourine?
You might bend the nail.
A guitarist says to one of his fans, “Oh, baby, I can play you just like my guitar.”
The girl replies, “I’d rather have you play me like a harmonica!”
Lead guitar players spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune.
Why are old tube amplifiers like elderly parents?
Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.
What does a Hammond B3 organist do in his life’s most tender moments?
He puts his Leslie on “slow”.
The organ is the instrument of worship for in its sounding we sense the Majesty of God and in its ending we know the Grace of God.
Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, “Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?”
The other replies, “That was no piccolo, that was my fife.”
What’s the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?
1.Lawn mowers sound better in small ensemles.
2.The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don’t return it.
3.The grip.
What is the difference between a drummer and a large pizza?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
Small wonder we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world when so much of it has passed through saxophones.
What’s the difference between a lead guitar player and the rear end of a horse?
I don’t know either.
How to guitar players traditionally greet each other?
“Hi. I’m better than you.”
How do you know when a female lead singer is at your door?
The doorbell shrieks!
Why can’t a gorilla be a rock drummer?
He’s too sensitive.
What’s the difference between a bass trombone and a chainsaw?
1.Vibrato, though you can minimize this difference by holding the chain saw very still.
2.It’s easier to improvise on a chainsaw.
How do you know when a rhythm guitarist is at your door?
The doorbell drags.
How many lead guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he’ll do it too loudly.
What is the dynamic range of an electric guitar?
On or off.
How do you get your male lead singer to sound like a female lead singer?
Have him miss every other note.
What is the difference between a floating bridge guitar and a ’57 Chevy?
You can tune a ’57 Chevy.
Why is the tenor sax a divine instrument?
Because a man blows in it, but only God knows what comes out of it.
A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, “Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?” “Nah,” the first girl replied. “That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all.” The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, “Well, how was his kissing?” “Ugh!” the first girl exclaimed. “Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!” The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, “Well, how was his kissing?” “Well,” the first girl replied, “his kissing was just so-so; but he kept trying to stick his hand up my ass!”
How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
Three! One to hold the bulb and two to drink ’till the room spins.
These two sound men walk past a bar… Well, it could happen! (oh wait, maybe not, nevermind)
Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the drummer.
Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car?
It took two hours to get the drummer out.
How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
1.”Why? Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?”
2.Only one, but he’ll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can’t just be pushed in.
3.Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after they figure out that you have to turn the bulb).
Heard backstage: “Will the musicians and the drummer please come to the stage!”
A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, “I’d like to look at the accordions, please.” The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says “All our accordions are over there.” After browsing, the drummer says, “I think I’d like the big red one in the corner.” The store owner looks at him and says, “You’re a drummer, aren’t you?” The drummer, crestfallen, says, “How did you know?” The store owner says, “That `big red accordion’ is the radiator.”
What do you call a groupie who hangs around and annoys musicians?
A bongo player.
If you threw a drummer and a bass player off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first?
1.The drummer. The bass player stop to ask for directions.
2.Who cares?
What’s the difference between a female lead singer and a piranha?
The lipstick.
How many female lead singerss does it take to change a lightbulb?
1.One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
2.Two. One to hold her cocktail and the other to get the band to do it.
3.Four. One to change the bulb and three to pull the chair out from under her.
What is the difference between a lead singer and a cobra?
One is deadly poisonous, and the other is a reptile.
What’s the definition of an alto?
A soprano who can sightread.
A jazz musician dies and goes to heaven. He is told “Hey man, welcome! You have been elected to the Jazz All-Stars of Heaven–right up there with Satchmo, Miles, Django, all the greats. We have a gig tonight. Only one problem–God’s girlfriend gets to sing.”
When referring to rock lead singers, what’s the difference between a female rock diva and a pretty-boy rock icon?
The pretty-boys don’t have hair on their backs.
You’re too old to play gigs when…..
- It becomes more important to find a place on stage for your fan than for your amp.
- Your gig clothes make you look like George Burns out for a round of golf.
- All your fans leave by 9:30 p.m.
- All you want from groupies is a foot massage and back rub.
- You love taking the elevator because you can sing along with most of your play list.
- Instead of a fifth member, your band wants to spring for a roadie.
- You don’t know (or care) who any of the new bands are.
- You need your glasses to see the amp settings.
- You’ve thrown out your back jumping off the stage.
- You feel like hell before the gig even starts.
- The waitress is your daughter.
- You stop the set because your ibuprofen fell behind the speakers.
- Most of your crowd just sways in their seats.
- You find your drink tokens from last month’s gig in your guitar case.
- You refuse to play without earplugs.
- You ask the club owner if you can start at 8:30 instead of 9:30.
- You check the TV schedule before booking a gig.
- Your gig stool has a back.
- You’re related to at least one member in the band.
- You don’t let any one sit in.
- You need a nap before the gig.
- After the third set, you bug the club owner to let you quit early.
- During the breaks, you now go to the van to lay down.
- You prefer a music stand with a light.
- You don’t recover from a Saturday night gig until Tuesday afternoon.
- You hope the host’s speech lasts forever…..
- You buy amps considering their weight and not their tone or cool factor.
- Feeling guilty looking at hot women at the bar ’cause they’re younger than your daughter.
- You can remember seven different club names for the same location …
- You have a hazy memory of the days when you could work 10 gigs in 7 days and could physically do it
- Your set list is dance able.
- You think “homey” means cozy and warm
- You have to look over your glasses to check your PA connections.
- You’re playing the same venue in three months and you ask the club owner if you can leave your amp!
- Most of the band members are a lot younger than you.
- Your son is waiting for the gig to end to drive you and your stuff home, then go back out and party…
- Your date couldn’t make it because she couldn’t find a sitter for the grandkids…
- In consideration of your age, the audience requests some British invasion.
- On all out of town gigs you draw straws to see who the driver will be coming home.
- You start listing your truss as a “business expense”.
- You forget to take your Flowmax so all sets that night are only 15 minutes long.
- When you get a “Cease and Desist” letter from the Spandex co.
- When you play 2 nights in a row, and the next day your body aches like you played in the Super Bowl!
- Or, you play a Wednesday night gig and call into work sick on Thursday and Friday..
- When the only “Stones” you care about are in your gallbladder or kidney.
- You have to charge extra money if there are any steps to climb.
- Your hearing has deteriorated so badly that you actually ask the guitar player to “turn himself up.
- You call out the next song only to have someone remind you played it 10 minutes earlier.
- Your drugs are keeping you alive rather than killing you.
- You worry more about breaking a hip than being hip.
- Musicians half your age are in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame or have appeared on postage stamps.
- The only white powder to be found amongst the band members is foot talc.
Two musicians are driving down a road. All of a sudden they notice the Grim Reaper in the back seat. Death informs them that they had an accident and they both died. But, before he must take them off into eternity, he grants each musician with one last request to remind them of their past life on earth. The first musician says he was a Country & Western musician and would like to hear eight choruses of Achy-Breaky Heart as a last hoorah! The second musician says “I was a jazz musician…kill me now!”
[...] Musician Humor [...]