Well it seems someone who one day called me narcissistic (look it up if you care) a few days later referred to me as self-loathing. I won’t speak to the accusations themselves, but the two seemingly contradictory accusations do lend to a little bit of examination. Can someone be narcissistically self-loathing?
Let’s first examine the self-loathing part. I can’t personally see myself as being anywhere close to this and would in fact be more likely to identify with the narcissistic part, although I would more than likely describe it as being self-motivated or self-interested. It’s perhaps a subtle difference, but narcissism as an ‘ism’ itself tends to generally inspire thoughts of an unhealthy self-absorbtion. Seeing one’s self as their own primary motive and interest is hardly unhealthy in my book, and in fact plays a big part in the epistemological school of thought known as objectivism which I also most identify with as my outlook on life in general.
To be self-loathing one would have to hate themselves. To be narcissistic, by definition one loves themself. So it might stand to reason that someone who is narcissitically self-loathing loves to hate themselves.
So what might constitute the grounds for hate? I tend not to find many regrets in my life. Are there things that I might have wished I hadn’t done? Of course there are, but does that necessarily constitute something I regret? It generally stands to reason that any time there is anything that I did one way that I might later have seen fit to have possibly done another way, that will presumably mean I have ‘learned’ something in hindsight. Without learning, we might as well be spinning our wheels in one place. Do I regret having learned something? Of course not, therefore there are very few things I regret.
Of those few things that I may actually see fit to regret, they all generally relate to situations where I had already made the same mistake before, thought I had learned from it, but for some idiotic reason ventured forth to take the same course. There was a great line in the movie 28 days with Sandra Bullock where one of the therapists is taking the rehab patients to the horse stables and asking them to lift a horses leg prior to shoeing it. The audience is left with the impression that this is not the first time she has taken them there, and she asks more than one of the patients to try it and none of them seem to be having any success. It thereby also becomes obvious that none of them have been given any specific instructions as to how to get the horse to lift it’s leg in the first place.
After more than one person tries and fails in utter frustration, the therapist delivers the line. “Doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result is the definition of insanity”
If you refer back to my first posting from yesterday, you will find a similar insight about the nature of living. Without those things that I have done that others might expect me to regret because things went afoul, then I might as well not be living. Without learning from those things where I have previously failed, then I might as well call the guys in the white coats. Self loathing? Not hardly!
So this leaves me to ponder if there may actually be such a thing as being ‘narcissistically self-loathing”. This is a mighty big planet and it’s part of an infinitely large universe, full – no doubt – with millions of other potential places for there to be even such a concept as narcissism and self loathing. Lord only knows (feel free to insert your own favorite diety, ism or other scientific discourse if the ‘L’ word bothers you), there may even be an entire society out there based on the notion. Hell (feel free to insert your own favorite abyss or place of eternal torture if the ‘H’ word should bother you), for all we know we might even be living in just such a place now, but just like that proverbial quantum cat, we were just not aware of the state it was in until we actually stopped to observe it.