Can anyone explain something to me? What’s going on in my head the past few days is more than just pangs from a change (end) of a relationship. I find myself asking all too many questions that seem to boil down to the same two struggling principles. I run through my head any number of scenarios that all boil down to the same thing. Let me see if I can describe it and then see what kind of answers may come back.
I’ll try to keep it as concise as possible, but I’m sure this is a subject I could write an entire volume upon. I find my mind tossling between almost pure reason and pure emotion lately – almost a fatalistic tug-of-war over the last few days especially. I look around me at the rest of the world and see the same thing – different forces pushing each; whether it be science versus religion, male ego vs. female heart, right brain vs. left.
I see movies talk about the virtues of each outlook – one glorifying the dreamer, the other glorifying the beautiful mind. People write songs about Van Gogh who took his own live “as dreamers often do” but then hold up the great works of Da Vinci who managed to laugh in the face of foolishly vain men of God.
My entire life I have had this war ongoing within myself. At different times there has been one side or another that has dominated for certain periods of time. Go too far into emotion and you are can be seen as weak and a target for evil folk. Go too far into reason and you are simply cold and calculating like the Vulcans of Roddenberry’s stories.
Don’t get me wrong – I know that the real world is some mix somewhere in the middle. Perhaps I should go find a text on buddhism and learn about the whole yin-yang concept. But where in the world do you find a balance? How in the hell do you find your own point of equilibrium in the middle of that scale? My dreamer’s mind trying to tell me that love can overcome anything, my reasonable mind saying that love is just another emotion and that reality sometimes deems otherwise. My romantic self thinking anything is possible if you simply want it bad enough to be, my calculating self saying essentially the same thing but knowing that it’s not a matter of wishing but of perserverance and hard work?
You know the old saying – it takes 2 to tango. How can you risk truly giving your heart to someone when there’s the real chance that it’s going to be sent back un-opened? Or worse, roughly used and stomped on. And if you tread lightly, going with caution, taking great care giving of self with the heart as one of the last things given over completely is there not a real chance that they may give up or go away if that’s the part they really desired first?
And where in the hell do you find someone who will put up with your stupid ass while you find that happy medium?