I stumbled on this old posting earlier tonight on one of the Objectivist groups I used to frequent (dated 3/22/2004):
What a day I have had. I just finished reading “We the Living” on the same day I got a notice that I was not going to be called back for an interview on a job I was seeking that I ‘thought’ I was well qualified for.
So here I was commiserating over the melancholy end of that Rand novel and even feeling guilty in a way. I took great interest in the subject in that I am a fan of Rand, a life long objectivist (even before I knew there was a word for it) and due to the setting – as my mother’s family was from around the borders of Poland and Ukraine and fled for the U.S. around the time of the Bolshevik uprising.
While I found myself feeling getting angry in this here election year to hear all the pretense of class warfare against the backdrop of the ‘true’ suffering portrayed in this excellent portrait of a post proletariat uprising, as aforementioned, I found myself guilty that – even though the characters are of a work of fiction, they no doubt represent a real time, a real place, of real suffering and real individuals who probably met the same fates and burned with the same desires. Yet here in my life, with no true suffering to compare, “what have I done to live up to their example? To ‘live’ as they lived? With the desire and burning for living as the essence of their being?”
I know, you are thinking, ‘what does this have to do with a posting in a dating forum or a rejection email about a job? Well, serendipity has a sense of Irony. I just left a job which lasted for 5 months. Prior to that, I was a victim of the .com crash and was essentially unemployed for 25 months with nothing but a few contracts and some fortunate circumstances to help me survive. Heretofore whenever I received a rejection, I just moved on to the next job.
At the same time, when someone would ask me “how are you doing?” my answer was almost consistently “I am surviving” – and that was more telling than any casual observer might ponder to understand, if they should care.
So, today, amidst reading the final chapters, I receive the rejection. For the first time ever I asked them for an explanation of why they were not interested in having me back for a second interview. In the meantime, I finished the book through tears and anguish and joy and confusion. I was emotionally wrought by the time I was through and left …. well, just in a daze of thoughts, emotions, sad yet reflective. And feeling guilty! Feeling guilty and questioning myself if I have, if I do live up to those objectivist principles I hold so dear.
That was until I got home. An email response awaited my question. Paraphrasing, he said in essence that they were very impressed by my skills and experience. That they thought I would be very well qualified… technically… for the task they had in mind. But then he went on to describe how I was too ‘domineering’ – in essence too independent and self-motivated to solicit a desire to have me back.
I have been grinning like a Cheshire cat ever since. So many rejections over 25 months and I turned to myself to find ‘fault’ – this may only be one representation of one employer, but I know it likely is akin to many over that period – over periods prior and jobs I left or was asked to leave. I am too into ‘I’ to be attractive to the corporate collective.
Sure, I will still seek work – and I have decided to also seek more opportunities where I am not dependent upon or accountable to someone else’s whim. I went to the store after reading the email, almost dancing on the way. Someone at the counter who recognized me as a ‘regular’ there, asked me “how are you doing today?” Without hesitating I told her with a smile too big for the question asked and said with great enthusiasm “I am alive! My dear, I am alive!!!”
So tomorrow will be a busy day as I set some more wheels in motion to take care of those mundane material needs, but for now I set forth to search the net for places where like minded folks may be hanging about.
Out of sheer disgust, I went into my normal ‘chat’ venues – more to mock them – and asked “so who wants to talk about objectivist philosophy and the epistemological review of their application in the real world?” Some guy answered that he has an 8″ penis and someone else mentioned they wouldn’t mind meeting a 14 year old boy! Ahh the internet!
So here is where I ended up! Sorry if I rambled on, but I felt it was important to describe my mindset before asking if any females out there understood. If any would like to talk more about what it’s like to be ‘alive’ as I feel at this moment!
Let’s be selfish! ‘I’ would love to hear from you if you understand….
Just for the record, I am now working for another company doing computer consulting and I have consequently been placed onsight with that very company. I can see now they were right – I would have been way too self motivated for the work they do which amounts to little more than assembly line programming from cookie-cutter program code. It seems I won’t have as much contact with that coding environment but will instead be working as a middle-person between project managers of two different companies. It’s a curious turn of events to say the least…