May 23, 2017
Greetings Mr. Smith!
We are happy to inform you that the results of your annual physical have come back and you are in the top 98 percentile of healthy Americans. All of your basic statistics (blood pressure, heart/breathing rate, blood sugar, body fat index, weight, etc.) are well within the guidelines of what is considered top-notch health.
At this time it is my responsibility to inform you that as a result of the Warner-Pratley Physiological Equity and Reform act of 2015 you have been chosen to help your fellow Americans due to your ringing physical condition. As you know, there are many redundant organs in the human body and many underpriveleged Americans find themselves in the regretful situation of having much less fortuitous health than people such as yourself. Therefore you have the opportunity to save the lives of your fellow Americans! Isn’t that great?
We have taken the liberty of setting up an appointment for you on the 12th of next month at 4pm where you will undergo an evaluation for the donation of your right kidney, part of your liver and a portion of your left lung to help the less fortunate Americans in need of these vital organs. We will also do an aortic assessment at that time as well as a bone marrow graft to see if you can contribute in these areas as well.
I also have the privilege to inform you of another great opportunity! You may be aware of the new emerging technologies in the field of life extension? Some of our top scientists believe they have found a means to prolong the life of people predicted to have a less than average life span. The procedure requires the extraction of essential components of DNA from key systems of throughout the body of a healthy subject such as yourself.
It would appear this procedure deprives the donor of a few years of longevity, but someone in your health will no doubt live well beyond the average life span even with the loss of the redundant organ tissue and we must be fair to those Americans that will be deprived of the additional years of life granted to healthier individuals such as yourself.
We look forward to seeing you on the 12th and I am sure you are very excited about doing your patriotic duty to make this sacrifice for your less fortunate fellow citizens. No one wants anyone to die of course, so we are sure you will be delighted at this opportunity.
Director of Physiological Equity – Eastern Region