GAINESVILLE, Fla –
“We had to move the event to the local beachfront after receiving threats against Jones and the church itself,” said a church spokesperson. “No sooner did we get there and the beach was overrun with Greenpeace activists.” The representative for the church could not confirm whether the threats were related to the protests but did say, “it seemed highly coincidental!”
Protesters voiced concern, not over any offense to Islam by the book burning, but rather over global warming concerns. “Burning of wood and wood by-products not only wastes beautiful trees, but threatens our delicate climate balance when harmful carbon emissions are emitted into the atmosphere,” one vocal protester told local TV news reporters.
Yet, ironically, it was not the protests that put an end to the burnings. “It was just more than we could take,” commented one church member. “All these ex-hippie wannabe protesters showing up in their Birkenstocks, singing Kumbaya and trying to relive some lost notion of the sixties. We called off our plans mainly because it was making us all very ill.”
Some rumors report that Jessie Jackson planned to speak on behalf the green protesters. His people would not confirm this, only saying “He is still waiting for the new tires and windshield to be replaced on his Eldorado so he won’t be able to attend the Florida event.”
Allegedly some pro-Muslim protesters were also seen nearby, but there are still some lingering questions as to whether or not they were legitimate Islamic protesters or merely Christians in disguise due to the fact some of signs were found to be highly questionable. Such as “Mohammud says ‘Jesus can eat my shorts‘” and “My prophet can kick your prophet’s ass!”
Additional rumors surrounded an allegation that the Greenpeace ship SV Rainbow Warrior was seen among a flotilla just off shore. This has lead some of those involved to call for investigations as to whether or not the flotilla and the protests themselves may have received funding from Hesbollah.