- Thou shalt not place other gods before the lord your God and place nothing else before your obedience to God, not even thine self or thine own needs or the needs of those you most love or even your own life.
- Thou shalt not worship false idols or graven images of anything from heavens above, the earth below or from below the seas.
- Thou shalt not take the name of thy lord God in vain, thou shalt not question the word of God or question any representatives of the word or disrespect in any way the houses of those who speak the true word of the one God.
- Thou shall remember the sabbath and keep it holy and use it to pay homage to your Lord (not to mention pay cash to his representatives when they pass the collection plate), for the Lord created all the universe and the heavens and commands them all. Therefore he not only deserves your obedient worship and demands it but requires you to build numerous churches, synagogues and temples for his own purposes and that of his representatives here on earth. Purposes which you are not to question (see #3).
- Honor thy mother and they father by following their example of obeying the Lord without question as their fathers and father’s fathers and father’s father’s father’s (etc. et al) before them had done all the way back to Abraham. Obey thy mother a little less than thy (because she is a woman) father but heed both as you would obey God — yet not so much as you do God for thou shalt not place them before God (see #1). Do not question thy mother and thy father unless they question or disobey God (see below)
- Thou shalt not commit murder. That is unless it is to obey the will of God as per the word of God given to you by the representatives of God in the book the representative(s) provide you as proof of the word and the will of God. In that case thou shalt feel free to go nuts and murder for and on behalf of God — even though that book tells of many stories on how God is more than capable of doing this himself, and in a much more efficient and impressive manner. But don’t question, obey (see #3) – even if the rules require you to kill your own mother and father (in that case this rule supersedes #5)
- Thou shalt not commit adultery. Well that is unless you live in Utah and do it according to the word of God, or unless you are a favorite son as a member of the church where the higher ups can cover up the indiscretions and offer a cover story to the congregations… oh! Or if you are a leader of a country and thereby capable of causing your own reformation — in those cases, I guess your God will have to look past it for expediency sake.
- Thou shalt not steal — unless it is in the name of God as a member of the house of God who speaks the true word of God or it is otherwise done in the name of an ‘offering to the church’ or for the sake of God and to carry out God’s will as told by those of the house of God who speak on behalf of God. (even though the book with the word of God similarly tells stories that demonstrate God is again more than capable of speaking on his own behalf — and again, that he can do so in a far more fantastic way. But he just doesn’t want to do it anymore OK? Go back to #3 – don’t question!!!!)
- Thou shalt not bear false witness against your neighbor. Except in the case of a holy inquisition who’s purpose is to weed out the non-believers of God and speed their way to hell as is the will of the ‘all and infinitely loving’ God as outlined in the rules in the book of the word of God and per the interpretation(s) by the men of the house of God. In the case of such a culling or inquisition, readily report anything even slightly awry to the local church authority if you are even semi-sorta-reasonably certain you are more pious than they are or if you think he has a better goat than you. Oh wait, that would be coveting they neighbors goods wouldn’t it? OK, ignore that part.
- You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor’s. Not even his goat even though I mistakenly said that one in #9 – just ignore that one unless your lord God or someone representing me tells you otherwise. (Overall the principle of “don’t covet anything” is probably a good rule to follow and saves your lord God from having to make another list like this)
- Thou shalt read into the word of God anything that the representatives of the house of God say you should read into it even if it means taking the prayers of ‘love of your fellow man’ said by my son and turning them into calls for war or justifications to blow up doctors and beat up homosexuals.
- Thou shalt disregard the fact that this list is longer than 10. I know you were thinking it! Did you forget #3 already? This is the word of God we are talking about here!!! Don’t question! Remember? If I say it’s 10 commandments, it’s 10 commandments God dammit! Yeah, that’s right, I just took my own name in vain. I’m God, I can do that. You can’t!
The Real 10 commandments (?)
May 21, 2011 by TheWild Webster