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Archive for the ‘Jokes’ Category

I was having a little fun on facebook last night, pondering what I would do if I ever have to set up password protected systems at work, that I would have a little fun with the passwords and names I pick…..


abbot-costello
co-worker: Hey, how do I get into that file share you set up?
me: Just type in the password.
cw: ok, what’s the password?
me: “I dunno”
cw: Huh? Then how do you get into it?
me: what do you mean?
cw: when you need to get into the share you set up, how do you connect to it?
me: I type in the password.
cw: but you just said you don’t know the password.
me: No, you asked me what the password was, and I told you… “I dunno”!

*long sigh*
cw: ok, ok – is there any other way I can access the files?
me: Sure, I threw them on a memory stick.
*hands over USB drive*
me: it’s in an encrypted file container. You just need to stick it in your computer and type in the pass phrase.
cw: Passphrase?
me: yeah, it’s like a password, but it’s a whole sentence complete with spaces. It’s more secure that way.
cw: Oh ok. That makes sense. So what is the pass phrase?
me: “I don’t know what the passphrase is”
cw: what? Then why in the hell did you give me the memory stick?
me: what do you mean? You asked me if there was another way to access the files, so I gave it to you.
cw: Yeah, and you said it needs a passphrase.
me: Yes, just type it in.
cw: Well, ok – then what is it?
me: “I don’t know what the passphrase is”

me: Look… It’s easy, just look for the file on the memory stick.
cw: and the filename for it is?
me: “what”
cw: The file container
me: yes
cw: What is the file container’s name?
me: correct.
cw: The file container is called correct?
me. No, it’s called “what”
cw: I dunno!
me: No that’s the password.
cw: What password?
me: No, “what” has a passphrase…..

cw: So how do I know if I have the right memory stick. Did you give it a label?
me: Yes, “ItsOnTheStick”
cw: What is on the stick?
me: Yes, it is.
cw: so what is the label?
me: no, “what” is the file container.
cw: I dunno
me: That’s the password.
cw: What password?
me: “what” has a passphrase.
cw: I don’t know what the passphrase is.
me: yes, exactly.

cw: *AAAAHHHHGGR* Alright, already. I’ll try to figure it out myself on the network. How do I find the share?
me: Just type in it’s netbios id after two slashes
cw: ok, and that is?
me: “TheName”
cw: yes
me: of course
cw: huh?
me: just type in ‘\\’ then ‘TheName’
cw: and what is the name?
me: No, what is the filecontainer
cw: I dunno!!
me: No that’s the password.
*coworker just shakes head and stares up at the ceiling*

me: I’ll tell you what, I’ll make it easier. I wrote up a wiki page. Just go onto the wiki and look for the words “if you want to access the file share”
cw: OK, and the words I’m looking for are what?
me: No what is on the memory stick!
cw: FORGET ABOUT THE MEMORY STICK FOR A SECOND. I go onto the wiki and search for the words….. *spreads out hands expectantly*
me: “If you want to access the file share”
cw: yes!!!!
me: well there you go!
cw: There I go what??????
me: *points at the USB stick again*

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lightbulb-idea

A few absolutes about human ideas…

  1. If you can conceive of it, chances are someone has already thought of it before.
  2. If you try to do anything about it, someone will claim they thought of it first (whether they did or not) and try to stop you.
  3. If you try to build it, some union boss is going to say you need to do it with union labor.
  4. If you actually build it, some advocacy group is going to claim it is dangerous to the environment, harmful to children, unfair to minorities, etc.
  5. If it turns out to be beneficial, some religious group will say it’s a miracle and try to give the credit to their chosen god or gods.
  6. If it is cutting-edge, some other group is going to say it’s evil and try to get it banned, protest your workshop or declare a holy/social war against you.
  7. If it is useful, someone in the military is going to try to find a way to weaponize it.
  8. If you created it for a specific purpose, someone will eventually find a way to misuse it regardless of how many warning labels you put upon it. (See #7 & #12)
  9. If it can be used in any way to hurt somebody else (see #4, #7 and possibly #12) then someone will use it that way on others despite the labels and warnings in #8.  Refer back to #6 for the consequences.
  10. If you try to sell it, someone in China will quickly make a knock-off version of it for less.
  11. If it makes money, someone in government is going to find a way to tax it. If it makes people’s lives simpler and easier, someone in government will require 14 forms to get one and further regulate it to make it more difficult and complicated.
  12. If people buy it, someone will eventually find a sexual use for it.
  13. If you make it durable, someone will find a way to break it.
  14. If it makes you rich, some liberal is going to say you exploited your customers, workers or the environment getting that way.

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Three young kids are being asked what they did on Christmas. One is a protestant, one is a catholic and one is an objectivist.

The first kid gets all excited when it’s his turn and says:

Oh oh oh, …we got up in da mornin, we has our brekfests – then the hole famiwee goes down to da church and we prays really hard to thank God for our presents. then we hurry home and we opens our presents and we play with all our presents all day!

The second kid is all excited too and says:

We got up an has our brekfastes too! Then we gots to opan all our presentes, then we go to da church and has da Christmas mass and we tank Jesus for our presents. Then we hurried home and we played with our presents all day!

Finally they ask the objectivist kid what he did on Christmas. He nonchalantly said:

“oh we got up and had a nice continental breakfast. Then dad said ‘It is time to celebrate!
So we got in the limosine, and he took me down to the toy warehouse and we looked at all the empty shelves.”

(all due homage to Dave Allen, R.I.P. for the original joke, slightly reworded for my O’ist friends)

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(re-written based on a joke once told by Ronald Reagan*)

Once in early America an average man worked hard and earned some money, and he saved the money until he had a modest amount.  He heard word that they were opening up some frontier land so he quit his job, sold many of his possessions and purchased passage on a wagon train headed for the new land grab.

But he found upon arriving that a lot of the good land was already gobbled up by the new settlers and what little land was left was far less tillable, overgrown and at higher prices due to the steadily increasing demand.  So he looked over the varous plots and found most to be too hilly or too rocky or too wet and they were all much smaller than he’d hoped for.  But he wasn’t about to be let down on his dream so he found a reasonably flat piece of land that was considerably overgrown and rocky but that he thought he could turn around with dedication and hard work.

Due to all the new settlers moving about a town quickly sprung up in the county seat and soon along came a church.  Since the man came with basically what he could carry on his back and what money he had, he was often in need of supplies as he labored to turn his small stretch of land into a viable farm.  So once a week he would make the 4 mile trip to town to get  more supplies.

Every time he went into town, the new preacher would see him and recognizing that his was a face that he had not seen in church at Sunday mass, the preacher would always walk with him and try to talk him into coming to church.  The preacher would tell the man of all the blessings that a faithful man could expect and all the bounty that God could bring.  But the man would politely decline the invitation and suggest that he had far too much work to do on his land to make it a worthy and productive farm.

Thus was the case every week.  The man would go for supplies, the preacher would spot him and go into his pitch.  The man would politely decline.  But work hard he did, he moved the rocks a wheel barrel at a time to the edges of the property to build a small rock border around the entire plot.  He cut down and pulled up the weeds until this hands were raw.  He tilled at the soil finding more and more rocks and used the smaller ones to grade a cart path up the middle.  He cut some trees and built a small, modest house and eventually a barn.  And before too long, after pulling thousands of weeds and moving more thousands of rocks he began to lay down seed.

As the crops began to grow he had less of a need to go to town for supplies and his trips became less and less frequent and eventually, as his crops began to bear fruit he found that he barely needed to go at all.  But still, on what trips he made, the preacher always made a point corner the man and to tell him all about the wonderful blessings he could expect as a follower of God.

After a month had passed and the preacher did not see the man in town he began to wonder.  For all his attempts he hadn’t convinced the man to come to a single service.  Then one month became two months and two turned into three.  Winter was coming and the preacher decided he should make a trip before the weather gets cold to see what became of the man.  So the preacher ventured the 4 miles to where the man’s claim was said to be registered.

As the preacher rounded the corner of the country road he was overcome!  Despite the nearly unturned land on the neighboring plots where the other land grabbers had all but given up, here stood 8′ tall rows of corn, rows of tomatoes shining bright red in the sun.  Squash the size of a wash basin and melons as big as a small sow.  The preacher was amazed at the contrast between the bountiful farm and the surrounding land. His crops even rivaled the ones he’d seen on the more prime tracks of land owned by the members of  his parish.  At last the preacher spied the man hauling a basket overflowing with strawberries the size of one’s fist.

“Hallelujah!” exclaimed the preacher upon seeing the man.  “Hallelujah and praise the Lord!  Your land and your farm are like a miracle.  Your corn is taller than the eaves of your house!  And the ears appear as long as my forearm.  Your squash would fit but 2 to a cartload and the melons probably only one.  The tomatoes are so ripe and red… and those strawberries – oh those strawberries are downright divine!  It is absolutely amazing what the power of God and the work of man can do to create such a bountiful blessing!”

The man set this basket down and looked across his land remembering all the bleeding fingers, sore muscles, trip after trip with rocks and bundles of weeds and supplies from town and the hours tilling the soil, planting the seeds, pulling more weeds and tending to his crops.  But not wanting to be too unpleasant to the preacher he simply tipped his hat and said….

Preacher, you should have seen it when God was working it all by himself.


(*I’m not sure where Ronald Reagan got the joke, but I reworded the context considerably)

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A friend was talking to me prior to last Christmas and she was faced with a delimma.  She needed to figure out her boyfriend’s ring size without letting on that she was hoping to get him a ring for a gift.  I told her that if I thought on it long enough, I might be able to come  up with something ingenious.  I eventually settled on ‘take him bowling’ but before I did, my twisted brain came up with a bunch more, less than pleasant or productive ways to get the same information.  Thus the list that follows…

How (NOT) to get your significant other’s ring size:

  1. Take them to Grauman’s Chinese restaurant and theater in Hollywood and get them to immortalize their hands and feet in cement.  Come back later and measure the resulting cast.  (OK, this might require you bribing someone at Grauman’s)
  2. Take them some where and do something completely outrageous that gets you both arrested.  After you are released from police custody, file an Freedom of information act request to receive a copy of their fingerprints.  Measure the width to determine the circumference of their fingers.
  3. ‘Accidentally’ slam their hand in a doorjam or something similar and rush them to the E.R.  Then flirt with the x-ray technician at the hospital emergency room to get a copy of the x-ray.  Again, measure the result to calculate the finger size.
  4. Tell them you are on a nostalgia kick for old 80’s TV commercials.  Get out some Palmolive and pretend to be ‘Marge’ and soak their fingers in it.  Use the methods of liquid displacement to calculate the volume of their fingers.  Use the results to calculate the mass of the finger in question and derive the size.
  5. Buy a pair of leather gloves that you know are too small, and get him to try them on.  Be really insistent and pay close attention to just how far they actually do go on.  Then find other guys that would be willing to let you ‘know’ their ring size and pretend you are Johnny Cochran by making them all try on the gloves until you find someone with a similar fit.
  6. Start ‘fooling around’ or necking near a copy machine.  Keep losing your balance or making them lose theirs and then hit the ‘copy’ button by mistake.  You might get lucky and catch their hand in one of the copies and can use it to determine the size of their finger.
  7. Keep dropping small objects down small holes and asking their help to retrieve them until their finger gets stuck in one of them.  Measure the size of the hole after you use the left over palmolive to help them get their finger back out.
  8. For male ring size, if you buy into the old urban legend that correlates to the ‘size of a man’s hands’, you could always start by getting a tattoo like the one pictured below…

The 'Marilyn-Chambers-ometer'

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  1. Thou shalt not place other gods before the lord your God and place nothing else before your obedience to God, not even thine self or thine own needs or the needs of those you most love or even your own life.
  2. Thou shalt not worship false idols or graven images of anything from heavens above, the earth below or from below the seas.
  3. Thou shalt not take the name of thy lord God in vain, thou shalt not question the word of God or question any representatives of the word or disrespect in any way the houses of those who speak the true word of the one God.
  4. Thou shall remember the sabbath and keep it holy and use it to pay homage to your Lord (not to mention pay cash to his representatives when they pass the collection plate), for the Lord created all the universe and the heavens and commands them all. Therefore he not only deserves your obedient worship and demands it but requires you to build numerous churches, synagogues and temples for his own purposes and that of his representatives here on earth. Purposes which you are not to question (see #3).
  5. Honor thy mother and they father by following their example of obeying the Lord without question as their fathers and father’s fathers and father’s father’s father’s (etc. et al) before them had done all the way back to Abraham.  Obey thy mother a little less than thy (because she is a woman) father but heed both as you would obey God — yet not so much as you do God for thou shalt not place them before God (see #1).  Do not question thy mother and thy father unless they question or disobey God (see below)
  6. Thou shalt not commit murder.  That is unless it is to obey the will of God as per the word of God given to you by the representatives of God in the book the representative(s) provide you as proof of the word and the will of God.  In that case thou shalt feel free to go nuts and murder for and on behalf of God — even though that book tells of many stories on how God is more than capable of doing this himself, and in a much more efficient and impressive manner.  But don’t question, obey (see #3) – even if the rules require you to kill  your own mother and father (in that case this rule supersedes #5)
  7. Thou shalt not commit adultery.  Well that is unless you live in Utah and do it according to the word of God, or unless you are a favorite son as a member of the church where the higher ups can cover up the indiscretions and offer a cover story to the congregations… oh! Or if you are a leader of a country and thereby capable of causing your own reformation — in those cases, I guess your God will have to look past it for expediency sake.
  8. Thou shalt not steal — unless it is in the name of God as a member of the house of God who speaks the true word of God or it is otherwise done in the name of an ‘offering to the church’ or for the sake of God and to carry out God’s will as told by those of the house of God who speak on behalf of God. (even though the book with the word of God similarly tells stories that demonstrate God is again more than capable of speaking on his own behalf — and again, that he can do so in a far more fantastic way. But he just doesn’t want to do it anymore OK?  Go back to #3 – don’t question!!!!)
  9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against your neighbor.  Except in the case of a holy inquisition who’s purpose is to weed out the non-believers of God and speed their way to hell as is the will of the ‘all and infinitely loving’ God as outlined in the rules in the book of the word of God and per the interpretation(s) by the men of the house of God.  In the case of such a culling or inquisition, readily report anything even slightly awry to the local church authority if you are even semi-sorta-reasonably certain you are more pious than they are or if you think he has a better goat than you. Oh wait, that would be coveting they neighbors goods wouldn’t it?  OK, ignore that part.
  10. You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor’s.  Not even his goat even though I mistakenly said that one in #9 – just ignore that one unless your lord God or someone representing me tells you otherwise.  (Overall the principle of “don’t covet anything” is probably a good rule to follow and saves your lord God from having to make another list like this)
  11. Thou shalt read into the word of God anything that the representatives of the house of God say you should read into it even if it means taking the prayers of ‘love of your fellow man’ said by my son and turning them into calls for war or justifications to blow up doctors and beat up homosexuals.
  12. Thou shalt disregard the fact that this list is longer than 10.  I know you were thinking it!  Did you forget #3 already?  This is the word of God we are talking about here!!!  Don’t question!  Remember?  If I say it’s 10 commandments, it’s 10 commandments God dammit!  Yeah, that’s right, I just took my own name in vain.  I’m God, I can do that.  You can’t!

(also be sure to read my short humorous piece on the ObjectOpus explaining why God created the universe: Bored to All Heaven )

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As per my usual, I was spinning a friend’s thread here on facebook off into all sorts of ridiculous tangents with – to quote George Carlin – my various ‘brain droppings’.   Some of the comments were in regards to Walmart and I commented on the common stereotype that their products were cheap Chinese junk.  This reminded me of a true story that happened once when I was but a wee sprite…

KMart was our Walmart

When I was a kid, I was hanging out with my brother and some of the neighborhood kids. Back then, ‘KMart’ was our Walmart. The topic of KMart came up and everyone was trying to ‘one-up’ one another on dissing cheap KMart products.

Suddenly one of them got real serious and interjected:

“Ya know, for all the times we rip on KMart, just stop to imagine how many things we’ve all bought from there.”

Everyone got real silent and remorseful for all the digs they were previously saying. After a few seconds I responded with:

“But just think of how many things you bought from KMart – – – that broke!”

All was well with our universe again.

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I have told some folks that I follow a ‘modified’ version of the golden rule.  It goes as follows:

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you…

…until they give you cause to do otherwise!

Well, I was thinking of this further today and considered the possibility of expanding upon this expansion of the traditional canon to give a suitable decorum for ‘doing’ whenever there are ‘others’ involved.  Thus I bring you:

A Modified ‘Golden Rule’ for an Enlightened Contemporary Age

  1. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you — until they give you cause to do otherwise.
  2. When you do unto others, it is recommended to seek permission if what you are doing will in anyway not be a welcome act to the others that could be involved.
  3. If you desire to do in a manner that will inevitably involve others,  it is wise to only do that for which you have the proper moral or legal authority or at least sufficiently reasonable justification for any actions you may undertake.
  4. If anything you are about to do may effect others in a manner that will lead them to challenge your authority or question your justifications (especially if such complaints may be levied to anyone with the authority to do untoward things to you as a result), it is wise to give forewarning to anyone that may suffer any effects that might motivate such challenges so they have the option to avoid them.
  5. If what you plan on doing is of the nature that it does not lend itself to giving warning or seeking permission and will inevitably inspire complaints when its having been done is ultimately discovered, seek to minimize the witnesses of your actually doing it as much as possible.
    *Editor’s Note:  When doing anything ‘to someone’ as a response to something done ‘to you’, especially in the case of anything that could potentially be viewed as negative, it is a generally accepted principle that doing ‘more’ than was done to you will significantly reduce the ability to claim moral authority or reasonable justification for having done it.  Thus it is an unwritten rule of this list that:
    “When doing unto others because they have done unto you, avoid doing more than was done to you. “
  6. If  you still intend to do something that may evoke a negative response from others and either your warnings are not heeded or those who may be potentially effected are either unwilling or unable to avoid the consequences, it may be helpful to communicate very clearly to anyone involved just what you are ‘willing to do‘ in the event anyone should choose to bear false witness against you.
  7. Finally, if you are unable to adhere to the prior 6 rules but still intend to do something to others for any reason that may result in more doing unto you that you would rather not ‘have done‘, it should go without saying in any such instance: ‘Do not get caught!!!’

Now to quote Dr. Laura, “Go do the right thing!”

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One of Grandpa’s favorites

This is one of grandpa’s favorite jokes.  Both of his brothers-in-law were Italian and rather well-to-do.  He worked his whole life to support his family, owned his own home and did rather well for himself but was constantly reminded by his wife’s sisters about how well they had things.

An old Italian gentleman and a Polish working man are sitting around one day at the local coffee shop.  The subject of ‘frugality’ comes up and a heated argument ensues.  Finally the two men decide the honorable way to settle things is by way of a friendly wager.  So they each put up $5 and each set aside a second $5.  Each man is to go out for 3 days and to see how far they can make the second five dollars go then report back.

Three days pass and the two meet again in the coffee shop to settle up.  The Italian gentleman proudly volunteers to tell his tale first.

“Well, the first day I went down to the haberdasher and bought me a nice $5 cigar.  I then smoked half of it on the first day, half of it on the second day.  I carefully tapped out the ashes while smoking it into an old tuna can and gave them to my wife on the third day.  She is going to use them to help fertilize her flowers.

The people of the coffee shop were quite impressed as was the Polish working man, but he was yet to tell his tale.  So the crowd turned to hear his thriftwise story.

“On my way out of here the other day, I stopped on the way home at the butcher’s.  I picked up $5 worth of fine Polish kielbasa.  Upon arriving home, I carefully peeled the skin off of said kielbasa and we used half of it to make dinner the first night, half of it to make dinner on the second night.  On the morning of the third day, I retrieved the skin before going to the bathroom and quite carefully defecated into the skin.”

“Then on my way here I stopped by the butcher’s and exclaimed ‘This italian sausage TASTES LIKE SHIT, I want my $5 back!’

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I just took a quick trip the store and the radio was on WJR as always.  Sean Hannity was talking about the comparisons ongoing between the SotU by President Obama and those of Ronald Reagan.  Most specifically he pointed out the key difference between Barry and Ronny.  The more I thought about it, the more I kept thinking of what other political types might say.  So I bring you my list:

Government is…

Ronald Reagan: Government is the ‘problem’.

Barack Obama: Government is the ‘solution’.

Hillary Clinton: Government takes a village. The problem with government is obviously a vast rightwing conspiracy.

Al Gore: Government is causing global warming which will raise the oceans and bury our coastlines.

Sarah Palin:  I can see government from my house.

Bill Clinton: I want to make this perfectly clear.  I did not have sexual relations with that government!

George W Bush: I’m going to sacrifice the government in order to save it.

John Kerry: The problem(s) with government are George Bush’s fault.

George HW Bush: Read my lips… No new government!

Nancy Pelosi:  We’ll find out what’s in the government after we expand the government.

Maxine Waters: This liberal will be all about socializi…. uh uh, would be about basically taking over!

Barbara Boxer: Ya know, do me a favor, could you call it ‘Washington’ instead of ‘government’?  I worked so hard to get to Washington, I’d really appreciate it!

John Conyers: It takes a lawyer to figure out what government is!

Hank Johnson: Yeah, my fear is that the whole government will become so overly populated that it will tip over and capsize.

Ross Perot: Let me tell ya sump’in.  I have this chart right here that shows government…

Ralph Nader: Problems with government begin with corporations.  We should start a recall.

Dan Quayle: No, it says on this card that it’s spelled “G O E V E R M E N T”

Lloyd Bentson: I know government.  Government is a friend of mine.  And you sir are no Government!

Rush Limbaugh: I know government like I know every inch of my naked body.  I can talk about government with half my brain tied behind my back!

Glenn Beck: Go to your window and yell “I’m mad as hell and I’m not gonna take this anymore”, then buy my book and pray.  *starts crying*

Keith Olberman: Bad government has really hurt us, but not as much as Rupert Murdoch has hurt us, particularly in the case of Fox News. Fox News is worse than bad government.

Chris Matthews: I have to tell you, you know, it’s part of reporting this case, the feeling most people get when they hear about the government. Me, I felt this thrill going up my leg.

(I may add more if I think of them – any suggestions?  Post them to comments!)

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