Posts Tagged ‘jokes’

A friend was talking to me prior to last Christmas and she was faced with a delimma.  She needed to figure out her boyfriend’s ring size without letting on that she was hoping to get him a ring for a gift.  I told her that if I thought on it long enough, I might be able to come  up with something ingenious.  I eventually settled on ‘take him bowling’ but before I did, my twisted brain came up with a bunch more, less than pleasant or productive ways to get the same information.  Thus the list that follows…

How (NOT) to get your significant other’s ring size:

  1. Take them to Grauman’s Chinese restaurant and theater in Hollywood and get them to immortalize their hands and feet in cement.  Come back later and measure the resulting cast.  (OK, this might require you bribing someone at Grauman’s)
  2. Take them some where and do something completely outrageous that gets you both arrested.  After you are released from police custody, file an Freedom of information act request to receive a copy of their fingerprints.  Measure the width to determine the circumference of their fingers.
  3. ‘Accidentally’ slam their hand in a doorjam or something similar and rush them to the E.R.  Then flirt with the x-ray technician at the hospital emergency room to get a copy of the x-ray.  Again, measure the result to calculate the finger size.
  4. Tell them you are on a nostalgia kick for old 80’s TV commercials.  Get out some Palmolive and pretend to be ‘Marge’ and soak their fingers in it.  Use the methods of liquid displacement to calculate the volume of their fingers.  Use the results to calculate the mass of the finger in question and derive the size.
  5. Buy a pair of leather gloves that you know are too small, and get him to try them on.  Be really insistent and pay close attention to just how far they actually do go on.  Then find other guys that would be willing to let you ‘know’ their ring size and pretend you are Johnny Cochran by making them all try on the gloves until you find someone with a similar fit.
  6. Start ‘fooling around’ or necking near a copy machine.  Keep losing your balance or making them lose theirs and then hit the ‘copy’ button by mistake.  You might get lucky and catch their hand in one of the copies and can use it to determine the size of their finger.
  7. Keep dropping small objects down small holes and asking their help to retrieve them until their finger gets stuck in one of them.  Measure the size of the hole after you use the left over palmolive to help them get their finger back out.
  8. For male ring size, if you buy into the old urban legend that correlates to the ‘size of a man’s hands’, you could always start by getting a tattoo like the one pictured below…

The 'Marilyn-Chambers-ometer'

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I have told some folks that I follow a ‘modified’ version of the golden rule.  It goes as follows:

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you…

…until they give you cause to do otherwise!

Well, I was thinking of this further today and considered the possibility of expanding upon this expansion of the traditional canon to give a suitable decorum for ‘doing’ whenever there are ‘others’ involved.  Thus I bring you:

A Modified ‘Golden Rule’ for an Enlightened Contemporary Age

  1. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you — until they give you cause to do otherwise.
  2. When you do unto others, it is recommended to seek permission if what you are doing will in anyway not be a welcome act to the others that could be involved.
  3. If you desire to do in a manner that will inevitably involve others,  it is wise to only do that for which you have the proper moral or legal authority or at least sufficiently reasonable justification for any actions you may undertake.
  4. If anything you are about to do may effect others in a manner that will lead them to challenge your authority or question your justifications (especially if such complaints may be levied to anyone with the authority to do untoward things to you as a result), it is wise to give forewarning to anyone that may suffer any effects that might motivate such challenges so they have the option to avoid them.
  5. If what you plan on doing is of the nature that it does not lend itself to giving warning or seeking permission and will inevitably inspire complaints when its having been done is ultimately discovered, seek to minimize the witnesses of your actually doing it as much as possible.
    *Editor’s Note:  When doing anything ‘to someone’ as a response to something done ‘to you’, especially in the case of anything that could potentially be viewed as negative, it is a generally accepted principle that doing ‘more’ than was done to you will significantly reduce the ability to claim moral authority or reasonable justification for having done it.  Thus it is an unwritten rule of this list that:
    “When doing unto others because they have done unto you, avoid doing more than was done to you. “
  6. If  you still intend to do something that may evoke a negative response from others and either your warnings are not heeded or those who may be potentially effected are either unwilling or unable to avoid the consequences, it may be helpful to communicate very clearly to anyone involved just what you are ‘willing to do‘ in the event anyone should choose to bear false witness against you.
  7. Finally, if you are unable to adhere to the prior 6 rules but still intend to do something to others for any reason that may result in more doing unto you that you would rather not ‘have done‘, it should go without saying in any such instance: ‘Do not get caught!!!’

Now to quote Dr. Laura, “Go do the right thing!”

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